“The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It’s been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and what could be again.” James Earl Jones in Field of Dreams (1989)
The next commissioner of baseball has some deep thinking to do about complex and divisive issues. These may or may not be issues that the incumbent has been mishandling, but it is clear that Mr. Bud Selig is not capable of such high level thought processes as are required of the position. He is unpopular with the players and has made some dunderheaded decisions that have splintered his fan-based loyalty. (See: MLB All-Star Game.) Nor is he especially non-partisan; he does own a team. And he is 81. While 80 may be the new 70, there isn’t much swag in either number.
In other words, his days as Commissioner Emeritus of Baseball are numbered. He is walking on air with no firm foundation for the steps ahead of him.
One doesn’t need to ask The Amazing Kreskin what is coming. The game needs not an “owners’ lackey;” it needs an impartial statesman on the order of Bowie Kuhn (or perhaps Bob Costas) to right the ship and set the course of MLB for the new millennium.
That is a tall order, but we happen to have an ex-politician, ex-baseball man in semi-retirement.
Let’s eavesdrop on a press conference convened to make a momentous announcement. Cast-off Sporting News bloggers are well represented on this occasion with pool reporters Kathy Sheldon, Eric Novak, Paul White, Adam J. Holland, David Funk, Dan Hughs, and Jay Morrissey, who will be allowed to interview the new commissioner.
Air-Bud Selig: “It gives me great (blah, blah, and blah) to present the next Commissioner of Major League Baseball, Mr. George W. Bush.”
Commissioner Bush: “Mr. Bush? We don’t have to use last names here. Call me Mr. President.”
Selig: “But, sir, you aren’t President anymore.”
Bush: “Mr. Commissioner Emeritus, then. Don’t roll your eyes at me, big fella – you invented that title.”
Selig: “Mr. Bush would like to make some brief remarks and then respond to questions from the pool.”
(The words attributed here to Mr. Bush are his own. They are taken out of context only slightly for the purpose of this “press conference.” Mr. Bush’s words know no context. They are, nonetheless, his words.)
Mr. Bush: “I speak plainly sometimes, but you’ve got to be mindful of the consequences of the words. So put that down. I don’t know if you’d call that a confession, a regret, something. I’ve coined new words, like, misunderestimating and Hispanically.
“I always jest to people, the Oval Office is the kind of place where people stand outside, they’re getting ready to come in and tell me what for, and they walk in and get overwhelmed in the atmosphere, and they say, man, you’re looking pretty.
“And let me say in conclusion, thanks for the kids. I learned an awful lot about bathtub toys – about how to work the telephone. One guy knows – several of them know their own phone numbers – preparation to go to the dentist. A lot of things I’d forgotten. So it’s been a good day.”
Air-Bud Selig: “The floor is now open to questions.”
Jay Morrissey, representing the Boston Red Sox: “Does it make you feel even a little unsettled knowing the Twins, whom the previous commissioner attempted to destroy to protect his “small market” team, have consistently outperformed the team the previous commissioner used to own?”
Mr. Bush: “I understand small business growth. I was one. We ought to make the pie higher.
“I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.”
Dan Hughs (to other reporters): “What did he say?”
Eric Novak (representing the St. Louis Cardinals): “If Pete Rose has admitted he placed bets on baseball but there is no evidence he bet on the Reds to lose, should he be granted Hall of Fame status?”
Bush: “If a frog had wings, he wouldn’t hit his tail on the ground. ‘If.’ Too hypothetical.”
Kathy Sheldon (representing the Kansas City Royals and former SN bloggers): “Why aren’t the leagues balanced at 15 and 15?”
Bush: “Please don’t look at the part of the glass that is only half full. I see this glass not half-empty, but half-full and more.”
Adam J. Holland (Texas Rangers): “Why are there two teams in Florida? Young talent aside, neither team is getting enough fan support. How about one Florida team, playing home games split between Tampa and Miami?”
Bush: “What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position.
“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”
Paul White (repping the Baltimore Orioles): “What did he just say?”
Eric Novak: “Sir, would you reconsider changing the ‘this time it counts’ gift/penalty of giving home field advantage to the league that wins the All-Star game. I mean, it’s one game deciding the biggest series of the season. And it’s a game that’s not even played like a ‘real’ game.
First, you have the problem of bad decisions by the fans on who they vote for. Some guys get the vote when they have no business being called an all star that year. The homer votes, the uninformed votes, then the players that bow out.
Second, you have to put a guy from every team on the roster. That usually snubs another, more deserving player.
Third, once the roster is set, it’s almost a little league mentality in the way it’s played. Play all of your guys or most, anyway. Pull a hot pitcher (most likely a decision made by that pitcher’s manager, ‘don’t want to wear out his arm’). Play all of the guys that play for your team and leave a more deserving player out of the picture. All of these things are not normal, baseball procedure.
I’m not against the game being played that way. Nor am I against fan voting. I am, however, against a World Series home-field advantage being handed to a league for winning that kind of game. It’s too gimmicky; and not in a good way, like the wild card. I have a few suggestions about how home field should be awarded; but that’s for another time.”
Bush: “You’re burning up time. The meter is running through the sand on you and I am now filibustering.
“I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can’t answer your question.”
White: “The traditional Saturday afternoon games are no longer in existence largely due to the T.V. contracts. Will that change to get younger fans interested?”
Bush: “I think it’s really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to — the beauty of playing baseball.”
Novak: “Sir…”
Bush: “I’m filibustering you.”
David Funk (Chicago Cubs): “With all the young talent spread around the league, will MLB ever consider a marketing campaign featuring players NOT wearing Yanks or Red Sox uniforms?”
Bush: “I think younger workers — first of all, younger workers have been promised benefits the government — promises that have been promised, benefits that we can’t keep. That’s just the way it is.”
Dan Hughs (Atlanta Braves): “Why was Barry Bonds never suspended?”
Bush: “There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once — shame on — shame on you. You fool me, you can’t get fooled again.
“I speak plainly sometimes, but you’ve got to be mindful of the consequences of the words.
“See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.”
Kathy Sheldon: “Will MLB ever try to break the power of MLBPA, the most powerful union in sports?”
Bush: “I’m a uniter not a divider. That means when it comes time to sew up your chest cavity, we use stitches as opposed to opening it up.
“Somebody – somebody asked me, what’s it take to win? I said to them, I can’t remember, what does it take to win the Super Bowl? Or maybe Steinbrenner, my friend George, (would) tell us what it takes for the Yanks to win – one run. But I went over to the Strawberry Festival this morning, and ate a piece of shortcake over there – able to enjoy it right away, and once I completed it, it didn’t have to be approved by Congress – I just went ahead and ate it – and that leads me into what I want to talk to you about today…”
Morrissey: “How about enforcing a standardized strike zone? The rule book clearly states dimensions for what is considered a strike.”
Bush: “I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe — I believe what I believe is right.”
Sheldon: “Did he say anything right there?”
Adam J. Holland: “Will there be more restrictions on uniforms? Some teams wear their uniforms sharply, others were them baggy and sloppy; will there be some type of uniform regulation?”
Bush: “(Texas) is a great state, and we don’t like limits of any kind. Ricky Clunn is one of the great bass fishermen. He’s a Texas young guy, and he’s a very competitive fisherman, and he talked about learning to fish wading in the creeks behind his dad. He in his underwear went wading in the creeks behind his father, and he said – as a fisherman he said it’s great to grow up in a country with no limits…”
Novak (to Sheldon): “What is he talking about?”
Sheldon: “Shhh… I don’t want to get filibustered.”
Morrissey rubs his temples.
White: “What?”
Bush: “Actually, I — this may sound a little West Texas to you, but I like it. When I’m talking about — when I’m talking about myself, and when he’s talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.”
Air-Bud Selig: “Thank you, gentlemen of the press. We are out of time. Mr. Bush? Right this way…”
Press corps: “Hey! What about the steroids? What about the small markets? What about publicizing someone other than the Yankees and Sox? Is it true teams are smuggling illegal immigrants to play the game?”
Bush (running alongside Selig): “I tell people, let’s don’t fear the future, let’s shape it.”
President George W. Bush (Yale) is the first Little League player to occupy the Oval Office, and he has collected more than two-hundred fifty autographed baseballs.
Flintstone Drive 